Sometimes we try to change who we are yet we don’t.
So many times I’ve said “I’m going to change, I promise” or “this is the last time,vi swear”
Somehow we find ourselves there and once we do realize and have this desperation to change we’re in too deep.
Seriously I tried so hard to do things right and play nice. I thought I had quit that job of having to put on a fight. Guess not?
Some things just don’t get fixed by playing nice we must get our hands dirty.
Secretly I am devastatingly good at playing dirty. Time to put in the hours.
So I’m clocking in one more time to do what I do best. I promise one last time. At least for the remainder of this year.
It’s such a big responsibility to be a woman. I feel my vagina has held me back.
That’s all I am a vagina.
Maybe if I had been born a boy I could of been stronger, bolder, and fearless?
That way I wouldn’t have to lock my door, keep pepper spray on my key chain, and hurry to get inside the house.
Maybe even then I would have the courage to leave this familiar place and wander around the world. But I’m just a vagina such an easy prey.
One day I won’t be scared to be hurt again.
So there’s this guy…
…and he seems amazing and like always too good to be true.
Just like before here I am contemplating all the bad that will arise.
It’s not that I don’t think I’m good enough. There’s a difference in thinking you’re not good enough and knowing you’re not the right one.
I’m a little to numb right now to even doubt anything.
Guess that’s what happens with time.
All I am is Yours
I feel like I need Jesus but not because I don’t have him. More like I need Him to guide me yet I’m scared of what He will tell me. I’m not ready for that ultimate sacrifice. Why do I find ways to sabotage my life. I make things extra complicated?
I prefer avoiding things and not attaching myself to something I can lose. Life has a funny thing of coming and trying to screw you from behind.
I stress but truly it doesn’t matter. My body, mind, and soul belongs to Him and the riches of His love will always be enough.
Bleach or bleh?
So me and my friend were talking about anal bleaching because apparently is the way to go.
I’ve read that bleaching your vagina/anus with actual bleach is dangerous. Beauty is pain for sure.
The other day on the CBS reality show Big Brother two girls were bleaching themselves. Although they only used honey and lime juice.
My Google search engine is so unbelievable with random inappropriate searches.
Lmao this post is WAY too personal! My apologies
So tonight I had a cancer stick.
Haven’t had one in 2 months I’d like to say.
Nothing will ever heal and scar because I keep picking at my emotional scabs.
Today was one of those days where I just went at it with the picking that happily didn’t get so bad. I won’t lie I almost lost it a few times in public. I hate when that happens shows how vulnerable I am.
All I know is that tomorrow is a new day where I can make my wrongs right of course if I’m given the opportunity to wake up once more.
Tonight is one of nights where I stay up and think, regret, cry, and hope.
I’m so fortunate to know I’m not alone that He is always with me as my spiritual shoulder to lean on.
Tonight I will turn my problems to Him because he will stay up all night making the impossible possible.
Nothing is ever to big or difficult!
Tomorrow is a new day where blessings will pour out from the sky.
Just tonight and any other night I need to remember He is LOVE.
Every night before sleep I set my alarm to go early to the gym in the morning and every morning I don’t.
How funny is that?
Well today was going to be different. (Yeah how so?)
But I woke up around 4:57am and now I can’t sleep. I set my alarm at 7:30 but oh God I’m lazy.
Just now as I was typing the title to this post I realized something: “Crystal the most beautiful, smart, and funny of them all” (ok maybe that’s not how it started lol)
In all seriousness I thought, “Crystal you’re over here trying to take care of animals by being a veg and taking care of your environment by being Eco friendly but what about you and you’re health and fitness?”
Now you’re thinking “DAAAAAAMN that was a lot of thinking while typing that short post title?” I also am thinking that too. Now what y’all don’t know is that I’m a slow “typer” but a fast thinker. HA!
So yeah moral of the story is for me to take my fat ass to the gym and stop hitting the snooze button every morning and too stop wearing workout clothes when I didn’t or won’t workout because its only deceitful (breathe…resume) but it makes me feel good so DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!
The Missing Voice
When people base their success and acceptance in others I think it’s pathetic.
Lately I’ve been reading this book and I won’t say the name because then it will make me seem like I’m some freak of nature. Which I’m already to almost everyone because I recently became a vegetarian.
Anyways in the book the main theme is about conscience and if people have one or don’t. Apparently I don’t really have one. Well I do but my conscience isn’t why I do certain things. It can be a multitude of other things.
About an hour ago my friend called me and let’s paint the picture. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is prep for tomorrow and go to bed. My friend wanted to chat about his day. Just one problem I wasn’t sounding so excited and quite frankly I could care less. Instead I continued but my friend realized and abruptly ended the call.
Lets think about it. Does this affect me in any way? No. Do I want to really know about his job and who he had lunch with? No. Do I feel bad for not caring? No. Honestly if he would of stopped being my friend forever would it even bother me? No.
I could of continued to fake excitement only because somehow that’s the “right thing” to do. That is what people would tell me to do yet I know the right thing to do was to not answer the call just like I had not replied to his text 2 hours before. See now that right there was conscience.
Out with the old
I seriously need to move out of my parents house ASAP.
Some habits just won’t die and I can’t live like that. I simply can’t.
I’ve always believed that in order to be a happy, healthy, positive person you must be surrounded by that type of energy and removing all the bad even if it includes family.
Plus I’m not a very family oriented person and I’ve always seen it as just me, myself, and I.
That’s why I need to make changes in my life and get rid of all the bad.
Being and Feeling Kind
So it’s day 7 of my detox and I have to say I feel fabulous.
Of course this past week I’ve not consumed a single animal base product, not a single carb, and quite honestly not a single cooked food.
This week I’ve not been a vegetarian or a normal vegan but instead I’ve been a raw food dietist. Which means that all the consumption I’ve been doing is from raw fresh fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Also people on the raw diet don’t consume foods cooked over 118 degrees Fahrenheit.
By being on this raw diet thanks to my detox I now know I don’t have to eat or drink dairy milk and eggs. Although, I will from time to time if I can’t say no to certain desserts because I have a really bad sweet tooth.
I honestly can say that I’m not looking back at a diet consisting of eating animal fresh.
I’m Coming Out
I’m currently doing a detox cleanse and while I’m on it I am only allowed to eat raw fresh veggies, fruits, and nuts. I along with water, non dairy milk, and juices.
Pretty much for the next 6 days (I’m already going on to day) I’m a vegan. This whole time I’ve been online finding ways to eat and prepare meals with what I have.
This has inspired me to continue into a vegetarian lifestyle even after I’m done with my detox.
I say vegetarian because I do love real authentic dairy products and eggs. Hopefully slowly and one day I can be a vegan. If not I am content with being vegetarian.
I have always considered myself to be a closeted vegetarian and it’s time for me to come out.
Today May 31, 2013 I will become who I was meant to be, a vegetarian
It’s about to be 3am and there are birds chirping outside my window.
Sweet sound of nature’s music.
"three little birds sat on my window and they told I don’t need to worry…"